maybe it is me... maybe i just dont care anymore... maybe i only think of my own agenda and no one elses... i dont think i mean to... maybe for so long i didnt have my own agenda and my life was lived for someone else... i just... dont even realize...

i wonder about the people in my life and the capacity in which i can take them... small doses... everything in small doses...its like... everyone wants you to make choices... decisons... monopolize your time... and i did that... with one... and when it was worded to me like " i wanna monopolize your time... and i will" i thought it was hot... uber... and she totally did... not only will i not get back there ever again... but i think it near impossible ... even if i wanted to. in each person i see qualities that would enable me to be with them... things that make me think i should be with them... but theres also particulars that i just cant stand and dont wanna deal with. will there ever again be one that aligns perfectly? do i even want there to be again? im almost 100 % sure that i dont... and the only thing that makes me wavier on that is that its the " right thing" to do by finding someone and spending your life with them... but i just am not sure if thats what i want... myself... only with one... and by one i mean, someone else.

i said before Her that id never ever settle ... and ended up settling more than i ever thought possiable for myself. so i wonder it things work opposite, if i said " ooh now ill settle" will it then turn out to be the best thing to ever happen? i just cant take that chance... i like being by myself too much... i dont want any monopolzing... im for expansion and equal opportuniy.

i looked thru these pictures tonight of "the other amy" and see her with her new hot gf also orginally named amy... and i see it as... " im glad i left her and that situation when i did... bc shed have left me for her " and then id have been hurt again... to say im jaded is an understatment. the pictures... and seeing her dont make me jealous.... merely wonder how things couldve and mightve been different... every choice you make altho it seems small and sometimes logical... you just never know... and you cant avoid the wonder of ' what couldve been'

i dont think im meant to be in any sort of consistant relationship. Prior to meeting Her i thought this as well... then i met Her and my preception changed... it was instant... no question... it was all about Her. After that ended, its gone right back to... sure i want someone to hang out with... do stuff with... maybe even make out a little. but thats it... i dont see cohabitating with anyone else again. it worked for Her and I and thats it. maybe one day itll happen again with someone else but... im not in any hurry to find that person... nor am i looking...if anything i push away. i dont see myself caring if someone stays in my life or goes. i can think of one person i consistantly have conversation with that id honestly care if i never talk to them again... anyone else... if they disappear they disaapear... i find myself wanting to have online... or at a distance ... friendships... or interactions... so if anyones interested... not that theres anyone who actually reads this...let me know. anyway... i dont know where my life is going in relation to interacting with others and again im not too concerned... i want to better my life on my own... for myself. if someone comes along... cool... but i dont want to carry anyone either... and ive waited too long thinking that i should wait to make things happen... wait for someone to share them with. ill do that myself and share it with myself. you can only really count on that anyways... and duh ill share with fable and alfie too...

is it weird to have little to almost no desire to be in any sort of relationship ... even in the smallest of bits? i enjoy my alone time usually... even in my new apartment.... i do wish i had friends to go & do random things with ... but sometimes im leary of that too...

today i went to my new favourite place ... the super target... made the best albeit messiest veggie sub ever.... watched a few episodes of a new show... took my dog for a walk... which brings me to an interesting story ....







this is my dog... shes amazing... well apparently shes scary to others... while walking, a jogger attempts to pass... fable ( my dog ) being extremely well behaved beside me... sticks her neck out a little bit at this fancy, covered in pink... jogger passes and tries to smell her... this bitch ( the jogger ) flips out & screams " omg holy shit... holy crap " now, keep in mind she is listening to an ipod so her screaming is several octives above a normal tone bc she thinks we are all listening over her music... which def. isnt the case... i open my mouth to say something like " she was just smelling " or " shes fine " and the lady cuts me off and screams, " like i would know that "... oook umm... i hadnt even said anything yet... and she turns and continues jogging... youd have thought fable growled and showed her teeth... rather than just sniff... people amuse me.

i returned home smiling... continued to chat with my friend online and watch more shows... what a lame day... but enjoyable... and prolly a lame first entry too... oh well. :)